Kind is that river That hugs the poor creature This dead, dried leaf Lost, fallen, forsaken Homeless and clueless Only to be trampled down And chased away Like a worthless waste Or to be played by the naughty wind 🍁 Sweet is that stream That gives abode to this homeless Thanks to it Now it has found Life in death Beginning in its end A home apart from its home A soothing, tender, gentle Arms, bed and lap That hugs and heals Dances and thrills Full of life and jive Pregnant with dreams and hope 🍁 This leaf is alive again And dreaming sweet dreams Sleeping with comfort and smile Dreaming with the stars Shining with the sun And playing with the ripples Listening to the song of the day And sweet lullaby of the night Visiting new earths, new lives As the river flows across Many new worlds and places Through dales and caves 🍁
Somewhere in the vicinity of vulnerability and in the shed of brokenness I find my true self. In the aching of my tiny heart I feel the pain of life with such depth and sensitivity that the tears which fall ,they also hug my soul. Peace is not the absence of pain but the ability to embrace the warmth of our tears as our sweet comfort and faithful comrade ! Stability is the ability to embrace all the uncertainty, pain, hurts, fears and triggers with a most gentle touch and even in the exposure of all the gloom, you bloom amidst them with all the sweet fragrance and beautiful smile !
When I was a kid and when I was quite junior, my vulnerability always scared me, always made me cry and it always felt like a curse. I could never know how to ever live with such a sensitive and brittle soul . I couldn’t know how to carry myself and walk in this tough world. I always cried feeling so cursed because of my hypersensitive soul and heart. I still cry because of this often. I still suffer because of this. I feel deeply and truly each pain, each little joy, each little hurt, each little miracle, each little sadness, every detail which life throws on me in my each step. I feel everything with my heart and soul, I feel everything with my closed eyes . And when I cry I cry with all my pain, sadness, helplessness and miserable feeling. When I smile I smile from my heart and a pure spirit.
Well, it will be bad to complain about things, life and all the sad things. It’s true that the amount of adversities and tragedies I went through are massive and heavy, but I can’t undo them by complaining and crying. But I can embrace them all as most precious and costly gems and I can carry them gracefully as my ornaments . I can use them as unique colours which life gifted me to be a master artist. I am still figuring out how I can string all these scattered gems from the deep cave sorrow, pain and adversities of life. By running away from my hurt, wounds and tears I can’t truly stand on my ground and can’t truly be the real me.
I am learning to embrace my vulnerability and brokenness as my unique gift gifted by the divine. Because it allows me to feel deeply with each nerve of my heart as a perpetual part of me and it keeps me from being hard and tough, it keeps me forever grounded to my true roots, the roots of emotions and feelings. Because this is what I am, a soul which lives, breathes and feels so deeply, a soul which cries most tender tears, a heart that forever beats with the sweetest and deepest sensitivity. And this is all I am . I can’t live without feeling. I can’t ignore the the depth and height of emotions and all the range of our struggles. I see from my heart, I sense from my heart and I am sensitive soul who lives in her heart.
For a long time I have been hurt . For really long I am completely broken and crushed. For so long I have been putting all my strength and energy and so much draining myself but all I I have been receiving is more pain, more hurts, more frustrations, more disappointments, more tests of my patience. The letters, poems and songs I have written out of my pain are endless in number but I keep those all to myself and don’t share. For long I have even stopped writing and I am not even in touch with my own self ,all I feel is only pain , emptiness, drained and exhaustion. I feel speechless and unable to utter a word.
But this great truth and need I have been ignoring that I need healing , I need to live now for myself and give myself that time, space, care and everything which will allow me to hug my own heart and soul ,which will allow me to let my bleeding heart breathe . I need to express myself and accept my true condition without trying to ignore it . I must accept I need healing, I need love and I am really weak, tired and vulnerable. I am so broken I can’t help myself not crying. I can’t help myself not feeling so empty and lonely.
I can’t hide my pain and hurts. I can’t forget all that I went through and all that fell upon me. Sometimes I am lifeless and numb like a statue, sometimes I am so sensitive, vulnerable and soft that I simply cry and cry silently lying on my bed and silently tremble with unbearable pain, silently I hug myself and put myself to sleep.
When I was clueless and lost for years, I was writing letters to God. When I was broken, shattered and wounded beyond any possibility of getting healed, I was falling at His feet and shedding all my tears tearing all my heart apart before Him. When nothing was making any sense and I was trapped in the chain of chaos and melancholy and wilderness was the only land I could see all around me, I was running to God and laying my grief stricken heart at His feet. I was pouring my heart at His feet and my pen continued to run on the blank papers day and night filling diaries after diaries. And now when I look back I realise how beautiful, how powerful and how meaningful it was to write letters to God.
Once again I am lost, I am broken, I am chained in chaos, hurt, grief and screaming out in pain. I long for that connection with my Father God, I long for that beautiful friendship and relationship with Him. So once again I want to rebuild all that which somehow has got lost or died down in the wicked hands of time. I want to restore that sweet love which has been the source of my life and existence.
So once again I want to write letters to God and experience His presence through my writing, between my words. Cause He only hears my heart beat and He only holds my heart ! He only sees my tears and He only collects them in His bowl.
Most Holy, dearest, sweetest Father God in Heaven ! I owe You my heart, life, love and every beat of my heart, every thought of my mind ! I owe You my each breath ! I owe You my madness, passion and deep desire ! I am connected to You such way that I can never think even a beat without You in it . I can not think about this life without You. I am always thirsty for Your presence and longing for Your fire to ignite me, consume me. It’s never enough . I want You always.
Align the rhythm of my heart with Yours Create a new symphony in each fibre of my being to chase after You like the thirsty deer running for the brook and panting for the fresh water in the stream. I want to chase after Your heart with all my madness without any limit. I want to be completely soaked in Your presence and bathe in Your radiance that electrifies me with the unparalleled joy.
I am not perfect. I make lots of mistakes. I fall short in many things often . My vulnerability, weakness, fears, inability, insecurity are all ever before You dearest Daddy ! I come to You just as I am with all my flaws, shortcomings, brokenness, failures and lacking. Make me Yours forever. Make my heart Your dwelling place. Yes I give my this vulnerable, defenceless, shattered, broken, wounded, bleeding heart of mine in Your tender , loving, most trustable hands. And I make You the King, owner, healer, author and restorer of my heart.
My soul is ever longing for You ! And I Love You with all my tears, sighs, silence and scream ! I love You with all the overwhelming peace, joy and contentment ! I Love You madly, dearest Daddy ! Each day I fall in love with You and Your love sustains my life !
I Love You endlessly ! I Love You deeply ! I Love You madly !
A series of an open form of writing for my raw, desperate longing, cries, prayers, letters, conversations of my soul with God ! These are my personal, vulnerable feelings, emotions in all range of self contemplations and deep soul searching.
You can say it my digital diary where I will talk to God. And the main aim here will be to connect with Him with all the depth of my soul, heart, truth, thirst and honesty.
I have been extremely crazy for God and deeply connected to Him since childhood and all my life I have grown in that relationship with Him and have tasted the joy of His presence and closeness.
I have had an awesome friendship and relationship with God. But for long time now I have got diverted from it and have got lost, got trapped in pain, sorrow, darkness and all the complications of life..like the prodigal daughter, I chased after all other things so much for so long that my personal time with God got neglected and my relationship with Him too got affected badly.
So I repent for it and want to chase after God all again and restore my craziness for Him again..with more fire !
Touch my soul Touch my life With tangible love Touch the untouched places valleys and corners Of my bare soul
Touch my loneliness Touch my aching heart Touch my ever flowing tears Touch my wounds With tender love
Love is still an alien thing In my frozen world Love has not reached Love has not touched my life Love has not embraced me Love is still an intangible thing Love is still just a vague dream
Only dreams were the language Of those eyes once ..now only the tears This journey of dreams to ashes Hopes to tears, and faith to fear is Indescribably painful. May be that stream of tears has dried up visibly But the emptiness left behind on its trail In those hopeless, dry eyes And this death of tears Has made me instead a living corpse A silent death is my life everyday . .. .
Dear Heavenly Father . I come to You with a hungry heart and thirsty soul for Your presence, for Your intimacy ,for Your living water ,for Your manna . Nothing can satisfy the longing and cry of my inmost being except You . I am hungry for Your word ,hungry for Your wisdom . Dear Father it is not diamond, gold, silver or rubies that I seek ,but the far more precious Words of Yours that is my true longing, that is the treasure I seek . Your word is sweeter than honey, tastier than the most delicious feast of meat , more pleasant than the fragrance of myrrh.
God, Your word is all satisfying, healing to my bones ,good to my health . God ,I pray to You on behalf of my fellow brothers and sisters in this world ,I pray for each and every one whose heart and soul has turned far from You ,is lost in the this illusions of the world ,is being carried away in worthless things .I pray for all the mankind on earth that You touch them ,turn them to You . Please put that fire ,that hunger in them too for You, for their Creator . Create in them a new heart ,a new soul which longs for You, searches for You wildly ,and comes running to You ,to Your living stream ,just as the thirsty deer comes running to the streams of water and drinks from it with satisfaction and delight .
Father I pray on behalf of everyone on this earth to have that desire for You, for Your Word, Your love and presence ,to know You more ,to connect with You more deeply . Please draw them towards You . Your word is sweeter, deeper, pleasant and richer than any best thing of this world . But without that passion and hunger ,a heart that is stubborn, stiff and self-sufficient, Your precious words, Your provisions stay neglected before them because of their inability to receive . For deeper the hunger, the greater a person’s heart is ready to receive Your treasures and spiritual wealth .
Musings Of A Dreamer 